Zac

And I find it kind of funny...

2006-11-24T06:15:14Z

Hello all, I was inspired to update this oh so lonely LJ by Joe. So here goes.

I last updated regarding the PJ shows I went to, but oh so much has happened since then:

July!
July was the month that jump kicked me pretty much into my entire current situation. In mid-July it was decided that one of my best friends (Wayne), his girlfriend Kelsie and I would all move into an apartment together as we were all moving to the same town and none of us really wanted to live with complete strangers. I should add at this time I was working at a local fiberboard plant (essentially really expensive pieces of wood {made of little pieces of wood} used in commercial and residential building.) I was working 5 days a week from 6 to 3:30 and it was an easy job that paid insanely well as it was a summer internship offered to college students who have an immediate family member employed by the plant. I worked with really good friends and had a blast. After work me and my co-worker and best friend since the day he was born, would go to our mutual friends Wayne and Kelsie's lake lot and pretty much just get really high and have a good time from 4pm to 10pm. This is how it was alllllllll summer after this. I ended up cutting ties with my long time best friend Joe B. as a result of him ditching all of his friends for a stupid, high maintenance girl but oh well.

August
August was the name of my great, great grandfather. August is also the equivalent of perpetual depression in terms of my life. I hate and love august all the same. This August would pretty much be my undoing. I was still working at iLevel by Weyerhaeuser but was missing a lot of work due to my habit of getting absolutely fucked up every night. During my workdays I'd have a lot of time to myself where I'd do the tedious office work while letting my mind run rampant. Something I'd always done. Something was different though, I had a conflict of opinions inside of my head. I was constantly torn between making decisions. Simple, somewhat meaningless decisions such as which toothbrush or shampoo to use. It was horrible but I realized I've always had a difficult making decisions. An indecisive mid-Westerner is what former co-workers and friends used to call me. I figured, psh no big deal I'm just indecisive. I worked through the 25th of August. After that I was free for 2 weeks before moving and starting anew at a different University. I always thought I was unhappy at Gustavus because of the school and the people, I still did at this point in my life but now i see it was always me. But I had a lot going for me in August: I was starting a new school, moving in with a good buddy, and Carly was also attending the same school. I thought nothing could be better and nothing could go wrong. I was wrong.

I called in on my last day of work so I could get high and do essentially nothing. Whether it was worth it is neither here nor there but it's an example of what I’d become. I hated getting up in the mornings (just like the last 19 years of my life)
And was getting irritable around people I shouldn't and normally aren't. I was moody. When I say these things, it's not like they just appeared, when I look back I've always been moody and indecisive. I was spending all my time getting high and not doing much of anything. I liked it. I still like to do so. But it's different now. Probably the night that will always be ingrained in my memory as the turning point (or at least a pivot point.) was a cool late August evening as I watched my former high school play our arch rivals in the annual opening football game. I was to pick up a bed from my grandma's that night as I was moving in the morning to my apartment and I didn't want to move the huge bed I have at my mom's house. So i left the game early. Telling Wayne and Butch that I'd catch up with them after the game. I came home from the game and called my dad to see if he wanted to go with me to pick up the bed. Upon hearing his answer, something cracked. He told me he would but my grandma had put the bed in the garage.... Behind all of the yard sale stuff as my grandparents were having a yard sale that long weekend (thur-sun) and I'd have to wait until the morning to pick it up on our way through town to the city I was moving. I was upset about this, no I was livid. It's funny to think about it now in a way. It's pathetic. I decided I should pack the rest of my clothes and spend some time with my mum and littlest bro before I left. And that’s when the walls came crashing down. I collapsed on the kitchen floor in tears. I was blindsided, and so was my mom by my actions. First of all I will say I’m a sensitive guy and my family is the most important thing in my life, surpassing myself by miles. It was then I finally told my mom that I've pretty much only woke up in the mornings and kept on going for the last 6 years just for them, my family. I told her I dreaded going to bed and waking up and knowing that nothing will be better. That I'll hate the next day just as much as the current. But like hell would I stop waking up and put my family through that. They don't deserve it. It was my fault anyways, right? No, I wasn't right.

It was that night that my mom and I sat down and really talked for the first time ever. I wasn't holding anything back. I told her how it felt like I was never doing good enough in the eyes of my father and my father's side of the family. I told her how I wished that i could do anything to make my dad's life a little bit better. Take away some of his pain both mental and physical. I know it's there, but I just want to make everyone happy and do my best to make sure they are okay. I felt like a failure in this regard to my dad. I left him last year to go to college when he'd been suffering with an incapacitating back injury from years of working in restaurants that apparently don't give much of a shit about OSHA. I rarely talked to my dad it seemed during my freshman year at Gustavus. But I felt that I was making him and that side of the family proud by attending the prestigious private school. Little did they know I essentially failed out of school because I couldn't get myself out of bed, I didn't know why then but I do know now. I just let it all out that night and we decided it would be best if I went to see a doctor about my problems and maybe stay at home for a while before moving, as well as take a year off of school.

I turned 20 a few days later on Labor Day. I was alone. All my friends from home were back at school and it was just me. Me and the conflicting opinions inside my head. I saw a doctor 3 days after my birthday and it was the first time i'd looked forward to seeing a doctor in an eon. I had to get myself help. After telling him pretty much my life story from age 13 to 20 he noted that I deeply cared for my family and he saw that in my eyes when I talked about them. He also noted that I have never put myself first. He told me he wanted to run some blood tests because of my high blood pressure and a possible problem with my thyroid that my be the cause to some of my problems. He left the room and a nurse came in and (very, very) briefly explained where the lab was and gave me a blood work form that had some dots filled in besides random letters which i assume are different blood tests. I went to the lab and had blood drawn and then went back to the doctor’s office where he told me that he was going to diagnose me with depression. He talked to me about the prescription he was giving me and that I should come in in another month and talk about how the meds were doing and to adjust my dosage and whatnot. And then if necessary he would get me in contact with one of his colleagues in regards to counseling sessions to deal with my issues.

Now
I still don't think I'm 100% okay and will be talking with my doctor about it at my next appt. I'm living in my apartment. But I still have some problems. I'm just hiding them. I still smoke. I don’t' drink. I don't party. I live under the radar. I don't really have any friends anymore. But hopefully these issues will be resolved soon. I want to look forward to the next day. I want to form healthy relationships. I'm 20. And I'm probably one of the loneliest people you'll ever meet. It's nice to be home with the family on holidays and some weekends like this. But I just don't know anymore. I guess I'd just like to be happy for a while. I wish I could write more but I can't. I realized that over the past 4 months not much has changed. I don't like that.

Two Nights of Good Ol' American Rock & Roll

2006-06-29T21:36:22Z

On April 5th, word got out that Pearl Jam would be hitting two nights in St Paul, MN on their 2nd Leg of their WorldWide Tour. There was an astrisk next to 3 pairs of dates on that list, the astrisk key revealed that these dates would be with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers on their 30th anniversary tour. Days later when the tickets went on sale I thanked myself for joining the Pearl Jam fanclub (10Club) the previous fall as I was able to get fan club tickets, I snatched up a pair of tickets to each show and anxiously awaited June 26th and 27th.

School ended and I was just about a month away from seeing my favorite band and a rock classic, together on one stage, two nights in a row. I was ecstatic. I decided to take my dad to the first show as a Christmas present and then the second night my good friend Joe would come along. Finally the waiting came to an end and I was on my way down to the Xcel Center in St. Paul. I hadn't been this excited for a concert since my first show, the 1999 Family Values tour.

We got to the Xcel Center around quarter to 5 and headed up to the will call windows and picked up my 10Club tickets. I looked at the tickets and a sense of excitement further struck me as I saw we were sitting in the lower level, two sections from the stage and in the fourth row. The seats were almost perfect.
Doors didn't open up until 6:30 so we hung around the gates and listened to PJ put on an epic soundcheck which included the following tracks:
Soundcheck

Last Exit

Of The Girl

Bushleaguer

All Those Yesterdays

Soldier of Love

Rats

WMA->It's OK->Daughter

There were probably about 100 people standing around the gates waiting and watching the crews put up the various merch, everyone anxious to catch a glimpse of the hotly sought after Pearl Jam posters that change each night. Rumor started to get around that there would be two different PJ posters, one that was soley a PJ poster and one special PJ and Tom Petty poster. More people started to get into line at the three gates as the clock in the mock light house over the WillCall ticked closer to 6:30. As I looked around I saw a lot of Pearl Jam fans, my worries of the diehard PJ fans not attending because of PJ's shorter than usual set were beginning to be relieved. The three guys in front of me were of that group of fans that can only be compared to the Greatful Dead's Dead Heads. Finally they started to get security and ticket scanners up to the gates and at 6:30 an Asia Security member yelled out "Open 'em!" and the metal gates began to open, all of them except for ours.

Being 3rd in line I was thrilled as I knew my chances of getting a poster would be great, but when our gate stuck as they tried to open it my hopes sank. About 30 seconds after the other two gates opened, ours finally was rolled up and people rushed through security and got their tickets scanned and got in line at the Merch counter.

I was 3rd in line at our table which was about 5 rows wide. I scoped out the sweatshirt I had seen online and knew I had to get it, and then had my dad pick out the sweatshirt he wanted as it was his surprise birthday gift from me and my brother. And then I saw them, the two PJ posters. One was roughly 22x27 and the other 8x27. The larger one was the special edition (and soon to be found out extremely limited edition) Pearl Jam/Petty poster. It had a white background with two orange/black guitars whose necks turned into wing like structures with a scull in the center and two dragon heads. It read St Paul and then 62606 an 62706 on either side with Pearl Jam and Tom Petty on the bottom banner. By the time I got up to the counter both posters had sold out and I settled on the two sweatshirts and went to find my seats with my dad.

Update coming soon...

frikaknot @ 2006-04-07T12:35:00

2006-04-07T17:35:04Z

Thanks to the wonderful 10Club I just purchased two tickets each for the nights of June 26th and 27th to see Pearl Jam and Tom Petty in St Paul. I've rarely ever been this excited over anything, anything. ;D

frikaknot @ 2006-01-08T21:04:00

2006-01-09T03:04:19Z

For all of you that are into the whole podcast scene, I highly recommend (if you haven't already) subscribing and and listening to the new podcast put out by Ricky Gervais from the (english) Office also featuring fellow brits Steve and Karl Pilkington. It is absolutely hilarious.

frikaknot @ 2005-12-08T23:40:00

2005-12-09T05:40:43Z

I like these things...

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
It was pretty neutral.

2) What was your favorite memory of the year?
Graduation or the Effie Camping Trip

3) What was your least favorite memory of the year?
Amber's accident.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
Butch's place.

5) Who were you with?
At that time, joe and butch i think.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
Not sure as of yet.

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
The family of friends I have.

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
Who knows, probably not.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
Not really.

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
I think so.

11) If yes, with who?
Very few know.

12) If yes, do they know?
yes

13) Are you still in love with them?
I hope so.

14) You regret it?
No

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
Nope

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
Solidified friendships

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Melissa and Dave

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
The months ranging from the strike to September

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
not technically

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
Wisconsin and Minnesota, well i live in MN so yeah.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
Yes

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Rent as it was the last one I've seen.

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
The District Sleeps Alone or Such Great Heights from the Postal Service

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
Digital Ash in a Digital Urn/I'm Wide Awake It's Morning - Bright Eyes

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
two..at least that I remember. Warped 2005 and the recent Reggie and the Full Effect/Alkaline Trio/MCR show. oh and Dropping Daylight here on campus

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
nah

28) did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
yes

29) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
more than in recent years

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
see above answer

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
yes. the Goldschlager incident

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
no clue

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
probably ;(

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Yeah

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
too much

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
my first college A on a paper/test/whatever but mostly graduating HS

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
the Goldschlager incident

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
See above.

40) What are your plans for 2006?
do it right

frikaknot @ 2005-12-07T00:29:00

2005-12-07T06:29:32Z

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?

Graduated highschool. Let go of her. Lost a close friend. Got a tattoo.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Not real fond of resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

For the first time in I don't know when, I do not think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Amber Starr McKanna...

5. What countries did you visit?

Mine.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

Happiness with what I'm studying.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 1st: We all knew that she'd been killed in the accident, but it didn't set in for anyone until we were in school the next day...and she wasn't... July 29: Camping trip gone awry. August 22nd: Last night with the original trio of friends at Wayne's before college. and September 3rd: Left to attend Gustavus Adolphus College

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finding innerpeace.

9. What was your biggest failure?

College.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I'm always sick. *cough*

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My laptop.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

The entire class of 2005 from my highschool for all the bullshit we went through in the last 5 months of our HS careers.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Mine. Wayne's.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Stupid purchases and giant steak feasts with Joe during the week.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

College (and then not). HS graduation seriously.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?

Bright Eyes - "Them from Pinata"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Happier in some respects, sadder in others.

ii. thinner or fatter?

Thinner. (w00t)

iii. richer or poorer?

Pseudo-richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Worked.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Slacked.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

With my family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?

I think so.

23. How many one night stands?

I'm a freshman in college, there have been a fair share.

24. What was your favourite TV program?

Law&Order:SVU and IRON CHEF

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I try not to hate.

26. What was the best book you read?

The Kiterunner

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Postal Service and the world of Breakbeats

28. What did you want and get?

I realize what I want isn't always what I truly want.

29. What did you want and not get?

Happiness away from home.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

'Rent' many others but that is the most recent.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 19. I spent it in my dorm room, still not quite used to being away from home, wasn't a good day.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not fucking up here at school.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?

Finally turning around due to lack of teh fatness.

34. What kept you sane?
My group of friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None really.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Gay marriage and the whole evolution/intelligent design debate....why is there a debate on this topic?

37. Who did you miss?

friends and family

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Dave and Melissa...

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.

GO TO CLASS AND GO TO WORK

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

'You had some of the best times
You'll never remember with me
Alcohol, alcohol.'

frikaknot @ 2005-11-09T12:54:00

2005-11-09T18:54:59Z

my grandma has cancer...

frikaknot @ 2005-11-07T20:10:00

2005-11-08T02:10:25Z

frikaknot @ 2005-07-01T22:00:00

2005-07-02T03:00:15Z

been gone for awhile; while i've been gone i managed to go on vacation this past week. nice time. i also registered for fall classes and ended up with the following schedule:

MWF 8:00am - British Lit. (up to 1789)
MTRF 11:30am - Chaos and Culture
MWF 1:30pm - Philosophy of Science
MWF 2:30pm - Computer Science I

all at the beautiful Gustavus Adolphus campus in St. Peter, MN ;D

frikaknot @ 2005-05-16T15:00:00

2005-05-16T20:00:54Z

Well I managed to graduate from highschool, as a member of the Nat'l Honor Society nonetheless.

frikaknot @ 2005-04-08T16:07:00

2005-04-08T21:07:41Z

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your date match profile:

Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.
Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw her out of her shell and get to know what she is all about.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Sensual
3. Big-Hearted
4. Adventurous
5. Romantic
6. Intellectual
7. Traditional
8. Wealthy/Ambitious
9. Practical
10. Religious

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Intellectual
2. Shy
3. Practical
4. Traditional
5. Conservative
6. Adventurous
7. Romantic
8. Wealthy/Ambitious
9. Religious
10. Big-Hearted

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

frikaknot @ 2005-04-06T15:50:00

2005-04-06T20:50:10Z

Finally, after eight weeks of striking at my school district, the School Board and Teacher's Union finally reached a deal this morning..classes resume tomorrow with our regular teachers

frikaknot @ 2005-04-03T21:09:00

2005-04-04T02:09:27Z

If anyone has been watching the Contender on NBC each sunday night, the guy that one the fight tonight (Anthony Bonsante) is from my hometown..they say on the show that he's from Shakopee but he's really from little ole Crosby, Minnesota.

frikaknot @ 2005-03-29T00:18:00

2005-03-29T06:18:44Z

Wish me good
And wish me night
Find me now
Season

Their way
Just be quiet
Finally dreaming
Yellow whale
And if I sigh
Shake me out
Teeming

If I may
If I might
Got a gun to bleed me

The rays in his pocket
The rays from this moment
The chains from his armor
Am I deep?

Do Re Mi

Most amazing shot i've ever seen...

2005-03-21T04:12:15Z

saw this at the Minnesota Class 4A Highschool Boys Basketball Championships last night: http://kstp.dayport.com/viewer/viewerpage.php?Art_ID=161055

frikaknot @ 2005-02-23T23:38:00

2005-02-24T05:38:53Z

"My Dinner at Applebee's With White Supremacists!"

oh teh funney.

frikaknot @ 2005-02-22T15:56:00

2005-02-22T21:56:35Z

haha www.hiltonhacked.com

karma biiiiiatch

life fucking sucks...

2005-02-13T04:40:15Z

So long, bye bye
Sad, but in a way it feels nice
I understand
I wouldn't have stayed either, believer
You're truly through with me
But it's all right now, you're finding out
It's like I'm drunk
Can't see straight, and this fever
I can't hold food
It's more than I deserve
Believe her, believer
You're truly through with me
But it's all right now, you're finding out
How all these little cruelties
Were just a weight around my neck
You left a wreck
All the ways you didn't know me (truly)
Could fill a hundred homes (truly)
It wasn't love you didn't show me (truly)
It's a perfect day to let you go
You're truly through with me
So long, bye bye

fucking valentine's day....

2005-02-12T06:27:54Z

Valentines Day Horrors! by deuceloosely
Username
Status
Seen with suspicious-looking blonde woman:	dopedolljungle
Went back into the closet:	jentopia
Sends you a singing Ape-o-Gram:	adamhos
Brings one of your exes to the party:	amour_propre_
Came dressed for a "Slumber Party:"	sammie285
Chokes on a candy heart reading, "Be mine:"	ethanohmygod
"...but I'm not bitter."	cricketsilk
Proposes marriage to you in drunken stupor:	choklit_cow
The "wallflower" who somehow manages to score:	spifftronica
Total valentines you'll receive:	97

Quiz created with MemeGen!

frikaknot @ 2005-02-01T01:39:00

2005-02-01T07:39:56Z

So yeah...a friend of mine's girlfriend was killed tonight in a head on collision...the same road that took his mother's life a few years ago. He's under suicide watch right now at the hospital, I cannot begin to fathom what he is going through right now, I myself am still in shock. In a way though, I knew this was coming....every senior class that comes out of my highschool comes out with some scars, something like this always happens...

frikaknot @ 2005-01-20T21:10:00

2005-01-21T03:10:30Z

Today, I recieved my first financial award.
Dean's Scholarship - $6000 per year for four renewable years
Norelius Award - $500 per year for four renewable years

only $24,000 left to go.........

frikaknot @ 2005-01-11T23:03:00

2005-01-12T05:03:17Z

Jason, has your punkass ever seen anything at the State Theatre on Hennepin, and if so, recommend me a decent place to park, I know they're all around but yeah. Oh, I'll be coming in from the 4th ST exit off of 94W

frikaknot @ 2005-01-06T22:23:00

2005-01-07T04:24:04Z

i was just thinking.....wtf ever happend to Tymm?

frikaknot @ 2005-01-02T19:16:00

2005-01-03T01:17:03Z

2004 Survey. Thanks to Jason and Niki

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Drove across the country with two good friends.

2. Did you keep your New year's Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
no and of course.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes
4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes
5. What countries did you visit?
canada eh
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
less stress
7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a whole bunch, private reason why.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting into Gustavus Adolphus
9. What was your biggest failure?
slacking
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
been sick since two wednesdays ago
11. What was the best thing you bought?
oh jeez, no clue.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
not quite sure.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
mine and a few friends'

14. Where did most of your money go?
gasoline
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
going to florida
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
any number of songs i heard on the way to/fro florida..will post such a topic in a bit

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
hanging with friends and making every moment the best
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being such an asshole at times

20. How did you spend Christmas?
xmas eve at the Vikes/Packers game, day with family
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
tough question.
22. How many one-night stands?
not enough

23. What was your favourite TV program?
iron chef omgwtfbbq
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
um..not sure
25. What was the best book you read?
Ishamel - Daniel Quinn

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
oh man....um the Decemberists
27. What did you want and get?
pretty much everything.
28. What did you want and not get?
her

29. What did you not ask for but get?
strange strange shirt
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Napolean Dynamite and Eternal Sunshine...
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
18...gambled, drank, and was an asshole to two people i care about most
32. Are you glad this year is over?
yes

quick xmas updates...

2004-12-26T23:38:03Z

\xbox
\dvd dual layer burner
\hero dvd
\thomas pynchon book
\dvd+r
\512mb thumb drive
\new cell phone
\gift cards from various stores amounting to ~125$